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Do you ever get to the end of day and feel like you have failed as a mother? Yesterday was one of those days for me. Although Jack is doing an amazing job of following directions at school,he is spending the majority if his time at home willfully disobeying. I am shocked every time he looks me right in the eye and says "No!". I think I said "no" once as a child. Actually, I remember my mom asking me to put the news on while she made dinner, and I said, "No. Do it yourself; I'm not the maid." You can bet I never did that again.
I've done everything I thought was right. I'm not the parent that just talks and talks to the toddler in hopes that some day they'll understand. I give choices. {Parenting with Love & Logic.} I've taken away toys and privileges. I have looked into his eyes while holding his hands after a time-out, and explained what he did wrong and what we expect of him. But after all of our work, when I tell him to do a simple task he will calmly look at me and say no. How can I send him to time-out or his room when he refuses? I could carry him, but he's just shy of 50 pounds. What happens then is I turn into the mommy monster: someone I never want to be.
I fantasize about being the type of mother that wakes before everyone else, showers, and spends time praying for her family and the world. Then when everyone gets up I'm cheerful and ready to mother. My reality is more like I'm exhausted from being up at 3:00 a.m. with Holden, and I'm lucky to get out of bed at 6:00 a.m. to feed him again, make coffee and greet Jack with a morning hug. {I'm not even going into my wifely skills in this post.}
Where did I go wrong? How did I raise a child that clearly does not respect our authority? Is this a "stage" or have I ruined him for good? I find myself praying short snippets during the day like, "Lord, help me." Or, "I can't do this without you."
If mothering is my actual job then I fear for my performance review.
I thought I'd be good at this...
If you need me I'll be on my knees.
Don't worry, We all have this stage in life and we call get through it. Most of us don't want to admit it and keep up the "perfect image". I shut my windows b-4 I turn into the mommy monster( like that even helps!). All moms have the A.D.D. prayers and God understands this stage of our life. Someone once told me that in the previous stage of our life, we had time to "fill up" with scripture and wisdom so when we need it, and don't have that hour to pray and read, we can pull from our reserves. Just remember that we do need to replenish when we can. As for Jack, it is a stage also. He is asserting his independence and testing the waters to see where exactly the boundary is. Use your "mommy sharpie" to show him where that line is and that it will not be crossed.Time outs work, but you may have to sit with him or near him with the " the look" ;-) I had a willful one(s), email me and I can tell you how I got them to their time out !
ReplyDeleteMeg
I have seen you as a mom and you are the standard i will someday try to achieve. I can't help with advice, but i will always offer support and encouragement. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteI refresh my spirit and my body with a walk. Here's an idea, Jack @ school, Holden in the stroller and mom with her walking shoes on and an MP3 of the bible being read to her and/or downloads of Focus on the family or Dr Zacharias, etc.... 1/2 hour and you will feel refreshed and cheerful. ( you can walk w/coffee too! jsut have a lid!) If you want I have a MP3 copy of the Bible NT that is free and I got it at www.fcbh.org You may have to pay shipping? If not I can burn and send you a copy if you'd like.
ReplyDeleteMeg
Oh, Abby. I'm sorry you had a lousy day. I think at one time or another all mothers have turned into a 'Mommy Monster'. In fact when I do, I call my husband and tell him I'm no good at this Mommy thing. So, I can relate. My son is 3 1/2 and my husband & I are amazed at times at his ease of just saying 'No' or just plain ignoring us. I only say that to tell you that I think it is more common than not. Someone once told me that children know they can do those things to their parents b/c they know we give them unconditional love. The only thing I know to do in those circumstances is to always be consistent in my parenting ways. However, when they get too 'old' for time outs, I'm not sure what to do? I'll probably come to you for advice :) Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteSorry for you bad day Abby! However, knowing that he is listening and being such a good boy at school should reaffirm that you are doing everything right! He is going through a stage with you and testing you but clearly you have raised him to know what he should be doing and he is doing just that, just not with you right now. It will past....promise!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your encouraging and inspiring comments.
ReplyDeleteMeg- I love the idea of downloading some verses, and maybe even some Focus on the Family podcasts.
Fran- I emailed my husband to say that I was sure I was ruining Jack, and that all of his memories would be of getting in trouble.
Sarah- I hope you're right! Thanks.
Kristen- You'll be a great mom. Don't worry.
Girl, I feel this way all the time!! You are not alone. Thank you- for always being a kind, supportive blogging friend!!! Happy Tuesday!
ReplyDeleteAw, Abby - wish I could send you a hug! All kids act worse at home, it's their safe place. The fact that you are concerned about it and talking to him shows what a good Mum you are. I withhold freetime if the kids are at loose ends. One day of miserably watching their friends play while they are trapped in the house usually reminds them to use their manners :) He'll come around, don't worry.
ReplyDeleteAbby....you have THE hardest job in the world. Being a Mom pales in comparison to picking a paint color or anything else that trivial. You know there will be days when you have to literally scrape yourself out of that hole and continue to move forward to shape another human beings life. Hopefully after this valley, there will be a peak when he looks at you and says "I love you Mom" and then you know it is all worth it. Hang in there and know that from reading the post before me that you are not alone in this journey.
ReplyDeleteOh Abby. There isn't a truthful mother in the world who won't admit to winning "Mother of the Year" at least once a week! I'm sure you haven't done anything wrong, but everything right. He feels safe enough to defy you and test the limits. You should worry if he doesn't test you -- then you've got problems! I firmly believe that when a child feel safe and loved, he has the confidence to express himself and test his strength and will against his parents. If he didn't, he'd be "a good boy" all the time and rebel later in a big way. It's just a phase. We all go through it at some point, and I really think it's different for every kid. Take heart, you are not alone -- you are in the good, real, and realistic company of other moms everywhere! Just tie another knot and hang on. This, too, shall pass!
ReplyDeletewe have to talk--my oldest is the strongest willed child in the world!!
ReplyDeleteummmm, I FILMED my kid having a mega meltdown yesterday--all while I am dying laughing. You can't have the "Mom of the Year Award." It's been given to me.
ReplyDeletePS-- deep breaths....oh, and from someone who was a real pill growing up-- the silent treatment was KILLER from my mom!
I cannot relate...thus the reason I never had kids. I have my own meltdowns to deal with. I am so sorry you feel so bad. Let me help you off your needs and lets go have a drink!
ReplyDeleteWow...We really all feel this way much too often. If parenting was easy Abby we would forget our need for God. Take comfort in his word that says to train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. He also gave us instruction to discipline our children if we love them, so don't give up. He wouldn't have said it if our children would be without disobedience. Someday Jack will appreciate the boundries you have set for him and love you more for them. In regard to the bible on mp3, you can go to firefighters.org and download it for free. Sometimes when my children are having trouble, I will find relevent scripture for the situation, God's word is powerful.
ReplyDeleteHi Abby, am visiting from Steady Mom and I am glad I found you..
ReplyDeleteWe've all had lousy days, some more than others, but I know this for sure, "This too shall pass".
Till then, I think you're doing an incredible job. Warm hugs and many blessings from a new friend.
Remember,even GOD could not control Adam and Eve. So take heart that it was even difficult for GOD!! He told them what to do and they didn't listen.
ReplyDeleteWow...if it's any consolation I have been there a lot of days as well. I know that doesn't make it easier but it definitely helped me pick myself up when I read your post and knew I was soo not alone.
ReplyDeleteHang on, persevere....we're doing the right thing and 'someday' we'll see the results of that effort.
Abbs Abbs Abbs - don't be so hard on yourself! Granted, I have been there before! Jack is a great, happy, smart kid. Is he passionate and spirited - yes! Is he sassy and funny? - yes! All traits that drive you crazy now - will make him a great worker, a great hubby and a great dad someday! Please trust me, I wouldn't lie - you are not ruining him or anything close to it. He is 5, he has an 8 month old little brother who gets a lot of attention - we were both only children, can you imagine if your parents had a new baby at 5?! It's allll about him! And telling you NO is somethign Holden can't do and a way for Jack to express himself. So hang in there - he is doing great in school and that speaks volumes. Remember when I asked my ped if Owen needed therapy and he asked how he did in school and I said great...he said "then he doens't need therapy!" :) xoxo!
ReplyDeleteI think EVERY mother can relate to that! In a perfect world we would all get up at the crack of dawn, be encouraged by the Word and prayer, make a nice hot breakfast, greet the husband and children with a smile on our face and a song in our heart... but as you said, when we are up with babies (or children), exhausted from a full day, - facing reality - it's just not quite that pretty is it. BUT, the joy is still there and the satisfaction returns - even if it leaves on occasion. Life is not always a bowl of cherries, but full and meaningful nonetheless. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to meet you! I'm not sure how I ended up here, but I'm glad I did!
Blessings to you and yours,
Lynnette
Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground
abby, i think its a stage. i ahve a 3 yr old who says no to anything and everything. i just stopped asking. i just make him do it and follow through - not even giving him a chance to say NO.
ReplyDeletethis NO stage will pass, im positive. if not, myself will go to time-out! LOL