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When I started James Madison College at MSU, I was sure I would go onto law school. I very quickly realized that I did not want to do that. I wasn't passionate enough about the subject. I stayed in the wrong major for the wrong reason, but that's another post. My classmates were reading Foreign Policy magazine on the weekends for fun, and needless to say, I was not. I met My Main Man, went into the non-profit world of fundraising, got pregnant, worked for The World's Best Boss for a few years, then back to fundraising.
However, I have been on both sides of this fence, and I know that the comments can go both ways. When I was working outside the home, it was really hard to listen to my "SAHM" friends complain about how hard it was. Not because I didn't think it was difficult, but because I desperately wanted to be home with Jack and that wasn't a possibility. I also think we should quit using the phrase "full-time mom." Every mom is a "full-time" mom. Even when they go to the office every day.
Have you noticed I've been putting "stay-at-home" in quotes? It's just a phrase that drives me bonkers. That just conjures up images of bon-bons and reality TV watching. Oh wait, I do watch reality TV ;-), but that's when the kiddos are in bed for the night, after I've cooked dinner, cleaned dinner, emptied the dishwasher, given baths, and all the millions of other things mommies do. My friend, Mehridith, said she prefers "work at home mom" which is not to be confused with "work from home mom." I like it.
I won't lie. I miss dressing up, and never getting to the end of the day and realizing I still haven't brushed my teeth (which has happened so many times with this newborn). I miss being able to have a response when someone says, "what do you do?" and not getting an "oh-that's-sweet-sympathetic-nod." I miss the pressure, and adrenaline that comes from an event when all the details come together.
I have a friend who's a "stay at home dad" and I'm always surprised by how honest he is when talking about the difficulty of the job. I wonder if he gets comments from other dads, or if it's just us women making the digs. (Todd, feel free to chime in here.)
I have a friend who's a "stay at home dad" and I'm always surprised by how honest he is when talking about the difficulty of the job. I wonder if he gets comments from other dads, or if it's just us women making the digs. (Todd, feel free to chime in here.)
At the end of the episode of "Parenthood" the father shows the daughter a park full of families playing, and explains that before she was born, her mother made that park possible. I don't have a daughter, but I would hope that my boys would consider me someone worth looking up to, whether I work in an office or at home.
Words mean something, and I think we could all be a little more careful. All I ask is that as parents, we stick together and be a little more gentle with one another.
Abby, I also hate all these terms that are used for parents that stay home with the children. I understand the feeling of being on both sides of the fence. I am the only one of my friends that stay home with their kids, and a lot of times I get the same reaction: "How can you afford it?" "How can you stand being home all day?" Well, this is my response: It was my choice to stay home! My kids are going to be all grown up someday, and I want to know I spent as much time with them as I could while they were little. They grow up so fast and I do realize that I too am lucky enough to be able to stay home and that some people really don't have a choice, but some do and still chose not to. That's great if you chose to work, but don't complain about those of us who "get to stay home" like we are on vacation everyday. It is work being home, but it is the most rewarding job in the world. When did staying home with your kids become so abnormal? I have had people look at me like I am crazy for wanting to be home. I feel like a great role model for my kids, I go to school part time, work part time directing theater, but my most important job is raising two terrific kids!
ReplyDeleteThanks Abby! I like the "work-at-home-Dad" instead of "stay-at-home-dad"..... I've had men take jabs, but for the most part they all look up to me and say "I don't know how you do it", because like Jay they too are the "main men" in their kids lives. I do hope I leave a lasting impression on my kids as well as other Dads out there that I come across. I love the post and as for getting the nod when you tell people what you do, that is exactaly what I see from others and it does not bother me one bit because I know what's on the other side of the fence....
ReplyDeleteThanks for including me, I'm privileged!
Todd
The thing I love about this post, and about the comment from Alisha, is the emphasis on Choice. I'm a huge proponent of women, no matter their circumstances, owning their choices if they have choices to make. In other words, I choose to work outside the home. While there are tough days, and there are days that I pine for more time with my children, I recognize that I have made the best holistic choice for my family. And so I don't get to complain about it all the time.
ReplyDeleteIn the same way, you fabulous women who have made a different choice (and I only say "choice" here because that is what you have indicated - that it was your choice) are even more fabulous because you embrace that choice. That, to me, is what makes a really strong woman. And that, in my opinion, is what will inspire immense respect for you as a mom in the eyes of all your boys.
Looking forward to reading more from you, Abby!
Wow, absolutely incredible! I too at one time or another worked while I had children, and am now so belssed to be able to stay home. There was a time in my life when I thought I had to work, after all, that is what we were taught, right? Go to school, college, get a job, get married, have kids, do it all. Then, I started to realize that I was working a 40 hr a week job with an extra 10 hours of driving to and from work. When all was said and done, after paying daycare, I was coming home with a whole 50 cents an hour, to tired to play with the kids, and realized that all I was accomplishing was paying someone else to raise my children. I stayed home for a while and then the energy costs started to skyrocket, what could I do? I felt I needed to work to help with the heat, but did not feel that God wanted me to leave my children. I prayed dilligently for something I could do and maintain my role as caretaker for my family. God blessed me with a job at a daycare working for a friend. I worked and kept the children with me. My older children attended our church school right next door on the same property. I yearned to stay home with them, so when I was pregnant with my fifth child, I decided that I could again stay home and school the kids. What a blessing! I could not ask for a better job. I wholeheartedly feel like God has entrusted us with our children, and who better to raise them than parents who love them more than anyone. Do not get me wrong, I also know that God praised women in the bible for working with their hands and I will let his words speak for themselves "Pro 31:10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
ReplyDeletePro 31:11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
Pro 31:12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Pro 31:13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
Pro 31:14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
Pro 31:15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
Pro 31:16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
Pro 31:17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
Pro 31:18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
Pro 31:19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
Pro 31:20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
Pro 31:21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
Pro 31:22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
Pro 31:23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
Pro 31:24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
Pro 31:25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
Pro 31:26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
Pro 31:27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
Pro 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Pro 31:29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
Pro 31:30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.
Pro 31:31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates"
No matter who takes care of our children, we are the ones who are ultimately responsibe for them. If you can raise your children and have them love and respect you, it won't matter what anyone else thinks of you. There is no shame in doing the job we were created to do.
Thank you for sharing your stories! Just like with breastfeeding, every woman/family has their story. Whether it is choosing to go to work, choosing to live on less, or choosing to get some help with your housework so you can spend more time with your kids: this was just my story to share.
ReplyDeleteAbby, I just have to say - I loved this post. You know the "back story" in my family, and the 23 1/2 years (so far) that my mom has been home (her last day "at work" was the day she went into labor with me, and she's never looked back since!) - and so, 23+ years and 7 kids later, she wouldn't change a thing. It is her absolute favorite, and certainly most rewarding, job in the world...she loves it...and from the perspective of a daughter who was born to and raised by a "SAHM", I am so thankful that she was able - and desired!! - to choose it! And thankful to my dad for working as hard as he has to make it possible. I know my siblings are immensely blessed because of it, even though most are still too young to fully realize it yet. Yes, THIS is a job that has eternal value, for many reasons. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI honestly think each woman is made to be the mother of her children specifically. And, in the rearing of those children, God enables her to see how that would best be handled.
ReplyDeleteWhat I see here are comments from mothers/fathers of children who are apparently not challenged with special needs or handicaps. IMO, that world ~ the handicapped/special needs parent world ~ is a totally different ball game. I know because that is my world.
I am blessed me the perfect life -- a mix of career mom and play-at-home mom. I find that because I'm a teacher, I'm allowed the full summer of fun and outdoor adventure coupled with the reprieve of a classroom where I can be a second-parent to kids who make me appreciate my son even more. It's a beautiful life for me.
But, I'll admit it's not for everyone. I know that God equipped me to be Dawson's mom because he knew that I could handle it: the rigorous physical therapy, speech therapy, the multiple surgeries, watching my child suffer, seeing him learn and feel empowered, sneaking in at night to watch him dream knowing that God has given us both a second chance.
I know God made me D's mom because I could learn so much from him; and somehow, I don't think I'd know how to be mom to a kid who didn't need so much nurturing. I'm sure heads and wills would clash. :o)
God, in your infinite wisdom, thank You for helping me save my son's life. Thank You for sending Your son. Thank You for saving me. Thank you for life.
Leigha-
ReplyDeleteWhat you do, mothering a special-needs child, is beyond what I could imagine. I'm not sure I could handle the sheer exhaustion that comes with your role. God knew what he was doing when he put you two together.
Alisha- It sounds like you don't have very supportive friends. I'm sorry to hear that. This is really what the intention of my post was all about...that we support each other with gentleness.
I have come to the realization that God's plan is the one that I need to follow and the plan God has set out for each person is as unique as they are. The life you live and what you do or do not accomplish paints a picture to others around you and especially your children. I always wonder what my children are learning from me. Everyone has a seasons of opportunity in their life that God sets out in front of us. We can decide to take that opportunity or not. Staying at home with your children is an option for most everyone , but it takes courage and MUCH sacrifice. You sacrifice your image, your ambition, your status and the many other tangible things that an extra paycheck may bring. Working requires sacrifice of missing the little moments with your kids and being there to just hang out, snuggle, or teach them.
ReplyDeleteThere are some mothers that work and show themselves as a strong female role models and there are other mothers that show themselves as the "Betty Crocker" type that are always at home and the neighbor kids flock towards. BOTH are necessary in this life and each of us has to be comfortable with who we are in Christ and what God wants us to accomplish while we are here.
When we are not doing what God wants us to, our lives start unraveling at the seams and He gently closes one door while opening another. It is our choice whether we listen and follow His gentle nudging. It sounds like this is also what happened with you. At some point, this season of your life will be finished. It may be soon or it may be lengthy. When I had my third child, I planned on returning as office manager to our church, but after I brought him home, I was so overcome that I quit on the spot and only worked two weeks to train my replacement while Hayden came to work with me. We all struggle to live on the fence, having both worlds, but we can only have one a time.
I guess I have thought about this so much I could write a book, but I tried to keep it short! I have been where you are, quitting a job I loved after my third child to stay at home and adjusting to the new lifestyle. I hear the comments and jabs and I too especially hate the comments from moms who say they could not stand staying at home all day with their kids. I find my worth in knowing that I am where God wants me to be right now and following His will.
As far as the daughter grateful to have an aunt who is an attorney and stong role model and the mother feeling bad, if the mother had been the attorney and not stayed at home, the daughter would have said, "I needed you, why weren't you there for me?" People generally seem to want what they don't have.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has now lived in different parts of the country, I also think it's interesting how different the whole SAHM idea is accepted, depending on where you live. Back when I lived in NC, near a college town, everyone worked. It was a very affluent area and there was almost the idea that if you didn't work, you weren't educated. People did look down on you. I remember when people asked me what I did, I would say 'I am a SAHM...but I worked as an RN prior'. Why would I feel the need to clarify that? Texas, it was much more accepted. A lot of moms worked, a lot didn't. It was a choice and no one really cared. Here in No VA, once again a very affluent area, the majority of moms stay home. I have a very few friends that do and we've talked about they feel as though there is almost a stigma against them. That people think they are needy and don't have enough to stay home. Or that they don't care as much about their kids. It's just interesting to me how it is so different everywhere I've gone.
ReplyDeletePersonally, for me, it is right that I stay home. I give my kids the attention that they deserve, need and want. And b/c I know they are not going to want it for long. I'll treasure the time while it lasts!
Well said Abby :) I struggle with these kind of thoughts often -- but from the other side (someone who works out of the home full time). I try to remind myself that it is always going to look better on the other side of the fence - and that the most important thing we can do as parents is try our very best to be the best mommy or daddy that we can be. Everyone's version of what is best is going to be different - but it's the trying that counts.
ReplyDeleteAnd just for the record -- just because you leave the house for work in the morning doesn't mean you always have time or remember to brush your teeth and put on deodorant ;)
I'm so glad I hopped over to this post today! I don't have kids yet (which stresses my mom to no end) but I'm working towards the goal of being prepared when I am ready to be a mom, because I want to be "home" with my kids full time.
ReplyDeleteAfter experiencing the corporate world (which I am quickly tiring of) I don't know how families where both parents work a 9-5 do it.
I will gladly live in a smaller, more modest home, build my own furniture, shop for bargains, but more importantly live with less, in exchange for not being tethered to my corporate career and its paycheck.
I think it's sad that being a full-time mom (SAHM) has developed such a stigma.
Oh, and I forget deodorant all the time. Don't know why.
ReplyDeleteThis submission on your blog made me cry. That episode made me cry. I'm guilty of thinking time and time again "Why did i choose to stay home" Then my husband was laid off from work for 8 months. We couldn't make ends meet no matter what way we turned. I found a part time job. I miss being home with my family so much. We have some new things we are working towards and every night i go to bed thinking on the days before i work what i would give to be home again.
ReplyDeleteMy son has started football for the first time he is 13. It rips my heart out of my chest that i can't be at every practice taking pictures. I am trying to be home as much as possible.
Bless you and bless your family! I'm so glad i have come across your blog.
You've obviously touched a nerve with a lot of people. I agree with the writer who wisely observed that God chooses the parents for the child, and that God trusts the choices they will make for that child. I am at a crossroads. I have always been a career-focused woman who wanted to make it to the top of the ladder. I am so much higher than I should be for my age, I have attended one of the best undergrad schools and arguably the best business school in the country to reach my goal. This has required sacrifice, loans, hard work, talent, good choices.
ReplyDeleteLuckily, I have also known that I always wanted to be a mom. I have left my options open by paying off student loans as early as I could, not getting bogged down with a big mortgage and saving as much as I could as early as I could.
So now I have an eighteen month old and I realize I want to spend much more time with him than my current job and commute allows...the question is can I have it all? can I figure out a way to make it work? to spend more time with him and also not give up on my lifetime dreams outside of motherhood? I honestly don't know.
I DO pray to God to give me the answers and I trust that he will.